Is There a Specific Way to Ask Your Spouse for a Divorce?

Since no one wants to just throw their marriage down the drain, most people think long and hard before they realize that they must get a divorce in order to move on and become themselves again.

While this can be a difficult realization to accept, it can be even more challenging trying to figure out how to approach your spouse and ask for a divorce.

How do you know when your marriage is truly over?

Some people wrangle with themselves for a long time before they decide that the marriage is truly over, while others have absolutely no idea that their spouse is contemplating divorce or even that they themselves are unhappy. No matter which person you are in the marriage, there are certain signs you can look for that may indicate that your marriage is truly over, such as:

• Continuous conflicts and arguments
• Feeling stuck or stagnant individually or as a couple
• Feeling mentally or emotionally disconnected
• Physical/emotional abuse or domestic violence
• Lack of support or effort

Sometimes, you can discuss and communicate your thoughts and feelings with your spouse, which allows you both to rekindle the relationship. However, if you have already tried this and are now simply trying to make it through each day together, it may be time to consider divorce.

What to consider when asking your spouse for a divorce

When getting ready to approach the topic of divorce, some people think too much, while others do not give it much thought at all. Here are six things to keep in mind to help you ask your spouse for a divorce:

1. Make sure you are prepared: Licensed psychoanalyst Robin Stern first suggests that you prepare and develop a plan for asking your spouse for a divorce. You should ensure that it is the right time and that you are in the right place. For example, your child’s soccer game is not a good place to bring up this conversation. Instead, you should wait until you two are completely alone without any distractions or interruptions.
2. Inform at least one person that you are about to ask for a divorce: Next, you should tell at least one person that you are about to ask for a divorce. This could be a friend, family member, or your therapist. If you are in an abusive marriage, you want to ensure that someone knows that you are approaching this conversation and that you check in to let them know that you are okay once it has ended. You can also brainstorm or even practice what you will say to your spouse with the person you tell.
3. Be ready for negative comments from your spouse: While everyone wants to imagine that the discussion will be easygoing and end cordially, the reality is that this does not always happen. Your spouse may be initially surprised, angry, or hurt that you no longer want to stay in the marriage. Therefore, you should be ready for them to react negatively or make some comments. If things become too hostile, you may need to have a plan in place to leave.
4. Remain calm and collected: Asking for a divorce is one of the most challenging tasks a person may ever have to do. Therefore, when approaching the conversation, it is recommended that you remain calm and collected and refrain from getting overly emotional. If you need to take a break to get your thoughts and feelings together, you should do so.
5. Know that doubts are completely normal: Many people who ask for divorce immediately feel guilty or have doubts. However, it is crucial that you remember this is normal and that there is a reason why you have come to this conclusion. You cannot stick around because you are afraid or because the thought of divorcing causes you pain.
6. Have an idea of how you want the conversation to end: Do not end the conversation abruptly. Make sure that you got your point across and that your spouse knows and understands that you are serious about wanting a divorce.

Your spouse may immediately want to discuss the house, the cars, the vacation homes, or the children. However, you should save those details for another conversation. What is important in this moment is that you have let your spouse know that you want a divorce and that you are not backtracking your decision. You should both take time to process before jumping into the details that accompany divorce.

How do I ask for a peaceful divorce?

Regardless of how well you and your spouse get along, asking for divorce can completely shatter things. Therefore, if you want your divorce to be peaceful, there are a few things you should remember, including:

• Do not try to start an argument or come off as being unsympathetic or unkind.
• While you should lean on your family and friends to get you through this tough time, do not allow them to get involved in your divorce.
• Do not bring up old grudges or past disagreements.
• Listen to your spouse’s feelings and comments and understand that you both are going through this painful event.
• Make sure you use “we” and “I” when discussing divorce. Never use “you” or point fingers at your spouse.
• Make your goals for the divorce clear.

Asking for a divorce can be intimidating, but you can assure your spouse that you can still be co-parents or even friends. A divorce does not have to be chaotic or have malicious intentions behind it.

Is it better financially to divorce or stay married?

One of the main reasons why people never bring up divorce is because they are worried that the financial costs will outweigh the benefits. While divorce might not be cheap, staying in an unhappy marriage with the wrong person will cost you your mental and emotional health. It can also affect your children’s happiness. Therefore, if you are worried or nervous about divorce because of financial reasons, your Charlotte divorce attorney can go over the steps you should take to successfully protect your rights and future.

Examples of how to start the conversation when asking for a divorce

Asking for a divorce is never easy. The truth is that you can prepare and plan, but at the end of the day, the conversation may not go exactly how you wanted. However, it is essential that you at least start the discussion. Here are some examples that may help:

• I have given this a lot of thought and consideration.
• I am unhappy and have been for some time.
• I love you as a friend and coparent, but I am no longer in love with you.
• We have tried working on things, but my feelings have not changed.
• You are a great parent to our child, and I want to continue to coparent with you.
• I know that this is tough to take in and discuss, but I think it is time for a divorce.
• We have dealt with and been through a lot together, but I just can’t do it anymore.

If you are thinking about asking for a divorce and need legal advice, the Charlotte divorce attorneys at Epperson Law Group are happy to help you navigate this complex matter. Our team will listen to your experience, explain your options, and help you make well-informed decisions regarding your divorce. Call our office or submit our contact form to learn about the strategies we will use to fight for your rights and ensure that your divorce remains as smooth and stress-free as possible. Our offices are located in Charlotte, Weddington, Concord, and Boone for your convenience.